Until the term ADHD came into our lives, I don’t know how many times my son’s disruptive behavior was chalked up to that overused phrase, “boys will be boys.”
My son’s behavior seemed to be stuck on hyperdrive all the time.
Keeping him from doing and saying certain things became a full-time job.
After being kicked out of two daycares by the time he was three, I was convinced he had ADHD.
How did I arrive at this diagnosis? I saw the same behavior with my daughter – who’s also ADHD.
Despite the mental eye-rolls from his pediatrician, I took my son to a specialist for testing.
The exhaustion on the child psychologist’s face confirms my suspicions.
My Son has ADHD and Our Lives Would Change Forever
First, there was anger, next, there was why me? And then, there was not AGAIN.
I’m not sure why God would make me repeat the test when I failed miserably the first time.
Memories of my daughter’s ADHD made me ask God for an easier kid during my pregnancy.
My daughter’s ADHD was challenging.
She was talkative, lacked focus, and was plagued with serious impulse control issues. Fifteen years ago, you could get medication easily with a proper diagnosis.
Unfortunately, it’s 2018 and times changed – and they changed for the worse.
Doctors are reluctant to prescribe medication for children under five.
The education system has limited resources to help children like my son. And please don’t get me started on insurance companies.
As Uncle Ben from Spiderman quotes, “With great power, comes great responsibility.”
The old methods I used to parent weren’t going to cut it. I had to forget everything I knew about my earlier experience with ADHD.
New Expectations
I couldn’t expect the medication to fix his ADHD.
I couldn’t expect counseling or the school to help him either. And if I’m being honest, I couldn’t expect my husband to understand either.
No expectation became the new expectation.
Let me explain what I mean.
I couldn’t expect the medication to fix his ADHD. There are so many medications on the market claiming to do one thing or another. A lot of them come with scary side effects.
Until recently, I didn’t know DNA plays a role in developing ADHD.
I ordered a gene testing kit from Kailos to determine which meds work the best. I suspected his current medication wasn’t helping and I tried to explain it to his pediatric neurologist earlier, but he wasn’t hearing me.
I can’t wait to see the look on his face at our next visit when I show him the test results.
Denial Just Ain’t a River in Egypt
Taking him to a counselor helped, but in the middle of the sessions, his counselor informed me he couldn’t work with him anymore because our insurance wouldn’t pay for it.
This was after the bill reached six hundred dollars.
My husband was in denial at first, but even when faced with reality, the responsibility of managing our son’s ADHD is solely on my lap. Having a child with any special need is tough on relationships. It’s the elephant in the room in our house.
The ABC’s of ADHD
After attending a Pre-K program and attending 504 meetings, my son transitioned to kindergarten.
My expectation was I could relax because they’re trained to help him. While he was in daycare, my husband and I were called every day to come pick him up.
I unenrolled him and we did homeschool one month after school started.
My six-year-old was charged with bullying after pushing another student. The principal and vice-principal did nothing except warn me that I may be confronted by the other parents.
I’ve since licked my wounds, but I’m still on the fence about sending him back.
We moved to another school district that seems promising, but I’m scared he’ll be labeled as “that little boy with ADHD” again.
I hate he’s missing out on making friends and other important personal milestones, but my trust has been shattered.
Going Forward
I recently found a blog post with advice on how to handle difficult children. Even though I have my own blog that deals with ADHD, I’m always open to learning more because I know I don’t have all the answers.
My biggest consolation is knowing I’m not alone.
My greatest advice is embrace and accept who your children are and not what you want them to be. It helps on the tough days.
Before I started writing this post, my son had a meltdown over a math lesson.
I didn’t scream, I didn’t threaten, and I didn’t take away privileges. I know it came from frustration from the both of us.
Math is my worst subject and learning new things is tough for him because of his ADHD.
I went to my happy place and he went to his calm down corner. This is what we do when life gets hard; if he was in school, I would have received a phone call by now to come get him.
Conclusion
His ADHD diagnosis shattered the saying that boys will be boys as nonsense. Because his problems can’t be fixed with ice cream or a new toy, I must be his advocate and provide a safe space when his disability gets the best of him.
As far as returning him to public school, I will do it when he’s ready. After his outburst today, I think we will wait another year or I may visit a homeschool co-op instead.
In a co-op, he can be around kids his own age without the pressure of trying to fit into some ridiculous mold. I will continue to seek support, better medication, and better doctors when I have the resources. Right now, I want to use my strength to be his mom.
Do you have a child with ADHD? How are you doing Mom, we’d love to hear about it!
My son is very similar to yours with being asked to leave 3 preschools and then was put into a public school vpk where the issue became more of the before and after care. He has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder – Sensory craver, Launguage delay – receptive and expressive with Adhd sprinkled on top. We have been doing OT and Speech threw the summer and trial run of homeschool. We are gonna give it a shot with public school again but if things start regressing he will be homeschooled and part of a co op. I am trying to stay optomistic but he has already been called “a bad boy” by peers in another school and I won’t let him think that he is.
Hi Rebecca, I’m sorry for the late reply, but my son received the same kinds of treatment. When we went trick or treating last year a month after he was homeschooled. One of the older kids saw him and had this look on his face. I heard him murmur, “I know you” but in a negative tone. I also ran into one of his daycare teachers who asked him to leave. She was all smiles and giggles in public, but I remember how judgemental she was in conference. I said hello, but the look in my eyes was anything but friendly. I knew he wasn’t the only kid there with problems, but the thing with daycares is a lot of children are on some type of assistance so therefore will always be more valuable than parents who pay out of pocket. I’m sorry that happened to your son. Keep me posted.
You know, just to hear that someone has experienced feeling my frustration as a mother and a person is consolable. My son is 12 now and I have tried everything I can possibly get my hands on for his concentration and right now he is on homeopathic remedies as well as chiro exercises. There are occasional glimpses of him focussing but exams and tests stress him out. His condition is quiet so his teachers haven’t even picked it up because he is quiet in class. So it’s a long windy road that we are are on but it’s good to hear what you do and how you help your son too. It really helps to hear I’m not alone in this process.
Hello Suriya, the fact that you have made it to twelve with your son and are still trying is an inspiration to me. I’m still on the fence about public school and he has asked to return, but I don’t trust the system because they failed him before. I love my co-op and school starts in a few weeks. I want to see if this is the best path for him. I feel his learning should be interest led because rigor just makes him short circuit. I’m glad I put my story out there because I want other parents to know they are not alone.
That is tough! I have a boy (currently five and starting school soon) that I am wondering if is borderline ADHD. Looking back, I can also see that I have ADHD tendencies myself…but I self-employed strategies that helped me focus, such as doodling while taking notes, limiting background noise while studying, etc. I wish there was a “do this” answer, but as with most things in life there rarely is. Wishing you the best of luck!
Hi Marissa, I know what you mean. My husband is sure he’s responsible, but I see some ADHD tendencies in my behaviors. You’re absolutely right, there is no do this strategy to handling ADHD. What we can do is continue to try and face each challenge day by day. Some days are better than others, but I see him maturing every day. We have our rough patches, but I’m blessed to know I have the power to help him.
I think you’re on the right track with a co-op school environment with a more flexible format and staff. I’ve had a terrible experience with my son in a religious school, I don’t recommend that. And a physical outlet might give him the workout he wants, like swimming or intramural sports. We’ve had great success with bowling, but NOT little league baseball; too much waiting around.
Thank you E. I finally joined this past week. We had our first outing which was just a day at the park. It was great because he was surrounded by other kids who homeschool. In the summertime, they have a couple of outings a week so this will provide a healthy social environment. He’s water baby so he loves swimming. I just want him to be happy.