Growing up, I was taught independence.
I was taught the importance of doing things on my own without having to rely on anyone but myself.
I still believe these are important characteristics; however, when they are ingrained into your being they can have a toxic affect on a marriage.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years.
We recently celebrated our three year wedding anniversary.
I’m going to be honest, year three was our hardest year.
A lot of that had to do with me.
After a disagreement, if his final decision was different than what I believed should happen, I felt as though I was being ignored.
I felt like my thoughts, feelings, and opinions did not matter. That made me bitter going into the next argument.
Then I realized, I wasn’t trusting my husband to be the leader of our family.
Holding a value of self-reliance was damaging my marriage.
I believed that I had to make the decisions. Believing that an individual must be independent, I had previously made all of the decisions for myself.
It wasn’t that I don’t trust my husband. Of course I do.
I was holding on to the fact that I was supposed to be in control of every aspect of my life. All I could think was, “how are we going to make it if I can’t allow my husband to lead our family?”
I was being a road block, and I didn’t want to be anymore.
My View on Marriage
Every marital union is different.
I get that, and it is more than okay. Let me say this first, as a disclaimer, I believe women have rights.
I believe they can work, climb corporate ladders, make decisions, obtain degrees and so much more.
With that being said, personally, I have always had a traditional view on marriage.
This view fits our family best. It works for us.
I believe the husband is the leader and final decision maker in the family unit.
Men are meant to love their wives. I believe that a wife is a sound voice, a different point of view, a supporter, and a caretaker. Women are meant to be submissive to their husbands.
Sounds like my view of marriage totally contradicts my instilled value of independence, right?!
It’s difficult to let my husband make the final decisions, when I was taught that I shouldn’t rely on anyone other than myself. I knew what I wanted for our marriage, but I was fighting against myself. So, I decided I was going to learn.
Being a Submissive Wife
Yes, it sounds scary. It sounds old-school.
Being a submissive wife simply means serving your husband in a way that benefits your marriage. It means focusing on being your husband’s helper, lover, and biggest supporter.
It does not mean your husband is a tyrant, and you are a tiny peon that no longer has an opinion.
Your opinion matters!
Instead, it means that after all has been discussed between you both, that you trust your husband to make the decision. Really, it takes some stress off of you as well!
As moms, we have enough decisions and deadlines to make. It’s okay to let our husbands do their part.
Being a submissive wife actually takes an extremely strong, confident, well-grounded woman.
Over the past several months, I have been learning to submit to my husband.
I’ve failed many times. I’m stubborn with the best of them, my emotions get the best of me way more than they should, and I like to be right.
Still, I come back to the fact that I believe my husband should be the head of our household. In order for that to happen, some personal changes had to be made.
Here are some things I’ve been working on:
1. Be Quick to Listen and Slow to Respond
As women, it is easy to have an opinion about everything. Take time to consider your words and reply with intent rather than emotion.
2. Let Him Lead. Re-Direct Only in the Background
Give him the trust he deserves as the leader of your family. Let him lead.
If a direction is taken that you have an opinion about or do not agree with, confront him in private. Do not confront him in front of others or the kids.
3. Allow Him to Have Space
This is particularly difficult for me. I’m a worrier by nature.
If your husband is having a bad day or if you had an argument, give him some space. Trust him to talk when he’s ready.
4. Embrace the Role of Helper
It isn’t necessary to try to control your husband or his day.
You already have enough to control. Embrace the role of helper.
Ask how you can help his day go smoother. Ask what he needs done that he doesn’t have time to do.
Women are intuitive. When you notice something that would help your husband, do it.
5. Be Grateful Everyday
My husband works his butt off for our family. I work, but he provides.
Without his hard work, my family would go without often. He makes sure we have everything we need and more.
As I’m picking up the dirty socks he leaves on the floor every single day, I get aggravated. Why?
In the grand scheme of things, why do dirty socks aggravate me? When I focus on being grateful for my husband and his hard work, the small things, like dirty socks, just don’t matter as much.
6. Make Him feel Important
He is important. As married couples, we get into routines of packing lunches, shuttling kids to school, making meals, attending kid’s activities, etc. It’s endless. What about each other?
Bring him a glass of ice water when he’s working in the yard or his favorite snack while he’s on the sofa watching T.V. Small actions sometimes speak the loudest.
Trust your husband to listen to you. Trust your husband to seek knowledge from all sides. Trust your husband to make the decision.
There is no one-size-fits-all for marriage. This works for us, and it might for you too. If not, I encourage you to find what does. Creating the outline of your marriage, helps guide you as you are filling in the paragraphs.
While I am aiming to be a submissive wife, I have by no means perfected it. I want to continue learning about marriage, my husband, and how we operate best. My main goal is a happy and healthy life with my husband and children.
I would love to hear your thoughts, tips, or what works for your marriage. Let’s talk about it!