For Moms

A Submissive Wife: My Journey

Growing up, I was taught independence.

I was taught the importance of doing things on my own without having to rely on anyone but myself.

I still believe these are important characteristics; however, when they are ingrained into your being they can have a toxic affect on a marriage.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years.

We recently celebrated our three year wedding anniversary.

I’m going to be honest, year three was our hardest year.

A lot of that had to do with me.

After a disagreement, if his final decision was different than what I believed should happen, I felt as though I was being ignored.

I felt like my thoughts, feelings, and opinions did not matter. That made me bitter going into the next argument.

Then I realized, I wasn’t trusting my husband to be the leader of our family. 

Holding a value of self-reliance was damaging my marriage.

I believed that I had to make the decisions. Believing that an individual must be independent, I had previously made all of the decisions for myself.

It wasn’t that I don’t trust my husband. Of course I do.

I was holding on to the fact that I was supposed to be in control of every aspect of my life. All I could think was, “how are we going to make it if I can’t allow my husband to lead our family?”

I was being a road block, and I didn’t want to be anymore. Little did I know that becoming a submissive wife was the answer.

My View on Marriage

Every marital union is different.

I get that, and it is more than okay. Let me say this first, as a disclaimer, I believe women have rights.

I believe they can work, climb corporate ladders, make decisions, obtain degrees and so much more.

With that being said, personally, I have always had a traditional view on marriage.

This view fits our family best. It works for us.

I believe the husband is the leader and final decision maker in the family unit.

Men are meant to love their wives. I believe that a wife is a sound voice, a different point of view, a supporter, and a caretaker. Women are meant to be submissive to their husbands.

Sounds like my view of marriage totally contradicts my instilled value of independence, right?!

It’s difficult to let my husband make the final decisions, when I was taught that I shouldn’t rely on anyone other than myself. I knew what I wanted for our marriage, but I was fighting against myself. So, I decided I was going to learn.

Being a Submissive Wife

Yes, it sounds scary. It sounds old-school.

It’s not.

Being a submissive wife simply means serving your husband in a way that benefits your marriage. It means focusing on being your husband’s helper, lover, and biggest supporter.

It does not mean your husband is a tyrant, and you are a tiny peon that no longer has an opinion.

Your opinion matters!

Instead, it means that after all has been discussed between you both, that you trust your husband to make the decision. Really, it takes some stress off of you as well!

As moms, we have enough decisions and deadlines to make. It’s okay to let our husbands do their part.

Being a submissive wife actually takes an extremely strong, confident, well-grounded woman.

Over the past several months, I have been learning to submit to my husband.

I’ve failed many times. I’m stubborn with the best of them, my emotions get the best of me way more than they should, and I like to be right.

Still, I come back to the fact that I believe my husband should be the head of our household. In order for that to happen, some personal changes had to be made.

Here are some things I’ve been working on:

1. Be Quick to Listen and Slow to Respond

As women, it is easy to have an opinion about everything. Take time to consider your words and reply with intent rather than emotion.

2. Let Him Lead. Re-Direct Only in the Background

Give him the trust he deserves as the leader of your family. Let him lead.

If a direction is taken that you have an opinion about or do not agree with, confront him in private. Do not confront him in front of others or the kids.

3. Allow Him to Have Space

This is particularly difficult for me. I’m a worrier by nature.

If your husband is having a bad day or if you had an argument, give him some space. Trust him to talk when he’s ready.

4. Embrace the Role of Helper

It isn’t necessary to try to control your husband or his day.

You already have enough to control. Embrace the role of helper.

Ask how you can help his day go smoother. Ask what he needs done that he doesn’t have time to do.

Women are intuitive. When you notice something that would help your husband, do it.

5. Be Grateful Everyday

My husband works his butt off for our family. I work, but he provides.

Without his hard work, my family would go without often. He makes sure we have everything we need and more.

As I’m picking up the dirty socks he leaves on the floor every single day, I get aggravated. Why?

 In the grand scheme of things, why do dirty socks aggravate me? When I focus on being grateful for my husband and his hard work, the small things, like dirty socks, just don’t matter as much.

6. Make Him feel Important

He is important. As married couples, we get into routines of packing lunches, shuttling kids to school, making meals, attending kid’s activities, etc. It’s endless. What about each other?

Bring him a glass of ice water when he’s working in the yard or his favorite snack while he’s on the sofa watching T.V. Small actions sometimes speak the loudest.

7. Trust

Trust your husband to listen to you. Trust your husband to seek knowledge from all sides. Trust your husband to make the decision.

Final Thoughts

There is no one-size-fits-all for marriage. This works for us, and it might for you too. If not, I encourage you to find what does. Creating the outline of your marriage, helps guide you as you are filling in the paragraphs.

While I am aiming to be a submissive wife, I have by no means perfected it. I want to continue learning about marriage, my husband, and how we operate best. My main goal is a happy and healthy life with my husband and children.

I would love to hear your thoughts, tips, or what works for your marriage. Let’s talk about it!

 

Hi! My name is Mallory, and I am a 30-year-old wife, mommy, employee, PhD student, and blogger. We have two handsome little dudes, ages 4 and 6. They are full of wonderful and sometimes messy surprises. I am currently employed part time and enrolled in a PhD program for general psychology. As a blogger, my goal is to provide an outlet for moms to share, vent, learn, and laugh together!

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21 Comments

Hello my name is Danielle I would love to talk to u some more about this topic and thank you so muchReply to Danielle
Thank you for sharing I enjoyed your post. I am working on becoming a submissive wife. Not just in actions but in my heart Also. I’m glad I came across your blog.Reply to Jonique
Interesting blog. I wonder what % of women actually want to be submissive ? Too much it taught that Submissive people get walked over, abused and generally hurt. Women have been taught to be self confident and strong to be a wife and mother. It seems a hard shift for modern women to be from a generation long ago.Reply to Albert
I’m currently trying to become more submissive, even though I’m often told I am too submissive by others but never by him. He says he wants control and me to do as I’m told and not think, just do. He says I talk too much and sometimes I do because I don’t feel heard. I will go along with him for days, wait on him, and do whatever he wants, but what will set me off where I feel I have to speak up, and it creates arguments, are him cussing at me and our 4 year old. He will cuss at her about her being a normal kid while he watches tv and wants her quiet. Then calls me bitch when I ask him to not cuss and yell shutup at her. Is this someone I should stay with and continue to pray for while I try to learn to be submissive and hope God will teach him these things are wrong and he should want a better family? He also hits me on occasion, but again, it’s my fault because I will talk too much. I love him and wish I could be everything he wants but then again, I wish he would try to.Reply to Rachel
Rachel, Being submissive as a wife or partner is not in the same category as abuse. When a wife chooses to be submissive, she still has a voice in the relationship. You are an individual that deserves love and respect, and standing up for yourself and your child in questionable situations is 100% warranted. I encourage you to talk to someone you trust in depth. If you’re willing to see a counselor that can help work some of these ideas and questions out in your head, that would be a great step as well. If you feel things are out of your control or like you and your child are in imminent danger, please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. I sincerely wish you the best, MalloryReply to Mallory
Loved your blog very much!!Reply to Blessy
Just wonderin’ – does submission iinclude staying with an abuser?Reply to Mary
I love these tips also my husband is alway negative no matter what i feel he is not satisfied with anything i do.Reply to Lucinda
I’m currently struggling with this. I have a very hard time relinquishing control and was also raised to depend on no one. My inability to be more submissive, especially when we are bickering and he asks me to let it go, has proven a tremendous detriment to our marriage and I am hoping it is not its downfall.Reply to AJae
Thank you for this article. I am in the process of being the sole provider for my family to being in a relationship and it’s been hard to hand over the reins. This advice will help I’m sure.Reply to Shara
Currently trying to also learn to be submissive, but it’s hard when you have been the one in control.Reply to Sommer
Good day. I actually enjoyed reading this. I’m not married or engaged, I’m in a relationship which I want it to work out this time. So earlier today I was on the phone with my boyfriend and we had some heart to heart talk. And he said I don’t respect him. I don’t listen to him. And I’m not submissive to him. I wasn’t surprise to hear that because my ex told me about it countless times. But I was too stubborn to had listened to him. But now that I’m hearing it again it does hurt. And I thought I was the perfect idea girlfriend all these while. Yes I agreed that I’m a very stubborn person and I hate to be wrong. As for right now I really want to learn and know new things about being submissive to your man because He personally asked me to go and read it. So I’m ever ready to give it a try because I TRULY LOVE HIM. And I want to do all I can to make things work our for usReply to Edith
Good for you! I know a lot of people will be angry for being willing to submit. After 24 years of “equal” marriage I suggested to my husband we try something different, namely, I submit to him. It’s been amazing. We are closer and happier then ever. I do not look at it as a gender thing – i was not making a statement about all women. Just about me and what was right for me. I don’t believe all women should submit. Only that every relationship be open to ONE being submissive. If it’s not for your relationship- fine. It’s not a magic bullet for marital bliss. It takes someone who is nourished and fulfilled by being submissive (as well as for their partner to be nourished and fulfilled by being more dominant). Such a relationship is not for everyone – but sadly is often dismissed as even a possibility because it is so counter culture. I believe couples should feel free to find what fulfills them. If that’s a co-equal marriage, so be it. If it is a Dom/sub marriage, so be it. Thank you for the confidence to share your journey!Reply to Jennifer
Thank you for this, you are right it takes a strong woman to submit to her husband. I am not married but I am learning how to be a submissive wife when I am married. The idea of submission used to bother me and I would get grossed out but I am so glad I found out the true meaning. Also I am a Christian woman as well. I pray that you become a more submissive wife♥️Reply to Jelaya
I honestly cannot believe some of the negative comments I have seen associated with this post. I have been struggling in my marriage with ours vs mine and yours, I felt like this post was written for me personally and I want to thank you for that. You know what they say, “Haters gonna Hate”. You clearly state that marriages are different and that this works for yours so it’s not like you are saying “Hey everyone, do this or your marriage will fail”. I struggled a bit with the title, but I am glad I took the opportunity to read what you wrote as well as in the comments, you address the word Submissive professionally and eloquently. Thank you so much for putting this out there despite negative feedback.Reply to Hailey
This sounds like an abusive marriage and I fear for any woman who reads this and feels inspired. “Let him lead”? Gross no. You lead together or not at all. I don’t think you are paying attention in your psychology classes cause there are red flags all over the place. Take it from someone who left an abusive marriage. Your marriage, is not healthy, it’s frightening.Reply to Morgan
Hi Morgan, I respect your opinion. Thank you for voicing it. I will, in no way, respond to the belittling comments regarding my PhD program, except to say that you do not know me as a person, and I believe your judgement is unfair. For the readers sake, I want them to know that my marriage is in no way unhealthy. I am not a battered and bruised woman, physically, mentally, or emotionally. Our marriage is thriving and happy. I explain how this works for us, and the role I play in our marriage. I lead just as much as he does; however, my leadership is made known in our personal conversations and through my support of my husband. We are a team, and a very well oiled machine that works fantastically. When you only hear the parts you want to hear, it is very easy to misunderstand the message. I sincerely apologize for the horrible times you must have gone through. I cannot pretend to empathize, because I have not experienced a similar situation. However, I hope that you are in a better place now and continue to heal in your own life. I wish you the best, MalloryReply to Mallory
Mallory, Morgan makes a great point. Just hear me out. I can truly understand why she would make those comments. So many women work hard and decide to be vulnerable and let their husbands make the final decisions in the household. To the average woman, that’s just crazy!!! Well you’d have to be a little crazy to blindly trust God’s plan. Especially to follow the God-fearing man who HE has sent your life. Your story isn’t for women ONLY for those who want the Godly dream that is portrayed in the Bible. To be a Godly Submissive wife, you have to be wise enough trust in God’s plan for your marriage. There’s a great deal of women who choose to do what Eve did and step in front of their husbands and do it their way. awe talk about those women all the time, statically when discussing divorce. Some of us choose not to walk in Eve’s shoes over and over. Keep telling your story. Every story isn’t for everyone; just as success isn’t for everyone. The problem is most women is they tend to define the word submissive not in the biblical context. It’s simply aligning yourself with the mission that your husband has for he family. Nothing else. They fight against it and fail to understand that bringing your husband a simple glass of water as he cuts the lawn can help accomplish the mission for that particular task.Reply to Tamara
I have to be honest here – the title is a little off putting . If you look up submissive it means : ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive. So, I was prepared for the worst. I think you make some good points in this article, but marriage should definitely be a partnership. Bringing him a glass of water in the yard is not being submissive it’s being caring, supportive, appreciative..not submissive. Letting him make a decision is not being submissive, it’s trusting him that he knows how you both feel about it and not micro managing everything. I don’t know ..to each his own but I think submissive may be the wrong word unless you are at his mercy, serve him, and are not allowed to have an opinion on things.Reply to Kari
Hi Kari, You’re right, the sound of the word “submissive” is off-putting. Here is how dictionary.com defines the word: adjective 1. inclined or ready to submit or yield to the authority of another; unresistingly or humbly obedient: 2. marked by or indicating submission or an instance of yielding to the authority of another: Synonyms are listed as: dutiful, obedient, accomodating Antonyms are listed as: rebellious, disobedient, fighting Submitting to my husband does not mean I have no opinions. It means, after all is discussed, I trust HIM to make the final decision and when he does there is no resistance from me. People hear the word submissive and it sounds scary. We picture servants or couples like Ana and Christian from 50 Shades. Our mind goes there because that is what society has told us to do. However, being a submissive wife really means letting your husband lead. Bringing him a glass of water is definitely not the definition of submissiveness. However, it is appreciating your husband and accommodating him, which falls under the umbrella of submissiveness. Letting your husband make, not just a decision, but all big decisions is trusting him. It’s allowing him to lead your family without resistance. I totally get this is not everyone’s cup of tea. Society has hammered into our brains that women should be completely independent and not rely on any man. Yes, I believe independence is healthy! But, for me, I don’t want to be totally independent of my husband. Like you mentioned, marriage is a partnership. If I am totally independent it is difficult to work as a partner. It’s okay if this isn’t something that works for your marriage. We are all different. However, it makes a lot of sense to me and it works for my marriage. I work. I’m in a PhD program. I’m a blogger… which you know means I have many opinions (of my own). Being a submissive wife in no way limits my abilities to live or be my own person. Actually, it has reduced stress for me as well as improved the dynamic of my marriage. One last thought… Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-24 I do appreciate your response, Kari, and the opportunity to discuss! Sincerely, MalloryReply to Mallory
Amen God’s word is our final authority. His ways are always best.Reply to KB