This mommy life is not as easy as I thought it was going to be.
Not that I ever thought that it was going to be completely easy, but no one can describe to you the overwhelming love that comes with the job, as well as as the suffocating since of worry.
I don’t know about some people, but I have googled the word SIDS more times than I can count and it scares me every time I see the word.
I don’t think I’m going to get a good night’s sleep ever again until my daughter passes that 1 year mark, so I still have 9 very long and worrisome months to go.
I had my baby girl Julia in May 2019, my mother’s day gift to myself, and I have been watching her sleep ever since then.
A little backstory on my daughter.
When I was 36 weeks pregnant, she was diagnosed with a fetal arrhythmia and no one seemed too concerned about it. Everyone kept telling me that it usually goes away on its own, but week after week it was still there until she was born.
Doctors did an EKG on her when she was barely a day old and they found nothing of concern, so I should be resting easy, right? Wrong. I still worry about her heart and I probably won’t ever stop.
Now, on top of that worry about her heart, I have to worry about her not waking up and it’s enough to drive any mother crazy. I’m sure I’m not the only one that worries about SIDS and I know worrying about it isn’t going to change anything but my heart and head or not agreeing on it at all.
Due to new technology, my fiance and I have one of those high-tech Bluetooth monitors that allow us to now only watch our baby through a camera app that’s hooked up to our phone, but it’s also meant to detect movement and heart rate.
This sounds great but it has not allowed me to rest any easier. There have been plenty of scares where the device couldn’t detect movement even though my daughter was laying in her crib.
Poor girl has been startled awake by me so many times because of my paranoia. I even sleep with the app open at night so that I can always be able to see her.
No one can ever explain to a new mother the incomprehensible worry that comes along with the a love that’s so encompassing that sometimes you have to pinch yourself to reassure that it’s all real.